One Final Encore! The Wonderrous Tale of the Lauded Liberator of Polish Bathrooms

 

Once upon a time, in the bustling heart of old Krakow, where the scent of pierogi wafted through the air, there came a curious hero from a distant land—David, a noble elder with silver hair, a steady stride, and a deep belief in justice, equality, and functional public infrastructure.

He had come to Kraków, the city of kings and pigeons, to learn, to wander, and to marvel at the cobblestones. But fate had other plans.

It was a time of great turmoil in the city. A terrible curse had struck the women’s restrooms: lines that twisted and looped like a serpent, stretching all the way past the pretzel and souvenir vendors. Women stood —desperate, weary, some weeping softly into paper maps. Young and old fidgeted, crossed legs, whispered prayers to the Blessed Virgin of Sanitation. Children whimpered. A tourist from Belgium fainted.

David looked at the line of women. Then he looked at the empty men's restroom. Suddenly, standing with the fury of a thousand fiery dragons, was Babcia Bronka, the much-feared appointed guardian of the public restrooms. Small but immovable, almost as wide as she was tall, clad in a wool sweater forged in the fires of postwar Poland, she roared like a mighty moose at all who dared question tradition. 

She was the feared and fiery Toaleta Matronka. Wrapped in layers of wool and wrath, perched upon a stool like a small volcanic mountain, she passionately patrolled the bathroom doors.

“TOALETY MĘSKIE!” she bellowed, her finger pointing like a dagger of doom. “NOT FOR LADIES!”. "NIE WOLNO!“ S FOR MEN ONLY!” 

David recognized injustice and stepped forward.

“I come not to destroy,” he said, “but to liberate.”

“You cannot change the laws of the toilets, you foolish American tourist!" the bathroom guardian shouted 

“I do not seek to change them,"  David said,“I seek to expand them.”

Then, with calm dignity and boldness, he flung open the men’s restroom door and declared: “Ladies, you may pee freely!”

The crowd gasped. Babcia Bronka shrieked so loudly that pigeons took flight. She charged toward David, swinging a rolled-up newspaper and shouting curses last heard during the Solidarity movement.

But David stood firm.

“This is not just about bathrooms,” he cried. “It is about freedom, equality, and not making your bladder explode just because of outdated signage!”

And in that moment, something miraculous happened.

One by one, the women filed past Bronka. She howled and stomped, but even she couldn’t stop the tide. David bowed respectfully as they passed. Mothers, grandmothers, and tourists from as far away as Australia  gave thanks to the courageous American liberator.

Today, that Krakow bathroom still stands. 

And if you’re lucky, many maintain you might hear a Polish mother whisper to herb children:“That's the one. That's where David, the brave bathroom knight of tiled floors and long queues, made his courageous stand for all women everywhere". 

"Yes, my little ones, he truly was Sir David, the fearless Lberator of the Loo". 

EDITOR'S NOTE: The above tale is absolutely 100 percent true, except for the parts that were made up.